(excerpt from A Life Beyond Belief, by Martha Porter-Fiszer)
When I was alive, I spent a lot of time thinking about death.
I wondered why anyone would ever want to die and just what it would take for me to off myself or, as Kurt Vonnegut would say, to shut my own peephole. I always concluded that my condition would have to be terminal – that I would be suffering the physical pain of some horrible, incurable disease before I could ever welcome death, let alone seek it out as an acceptable course of action.
But look at me now. Here I am, dead as a corpse and I did it myself without so much as a hangnail or a minor bacterial infection to drive me to the brink. Okay, so I’m not really physically dead but hey, emotionally, I’m a total flat-liner and this is exactly where I want to be, where blah meets heavy sigh for lunch. No more oppression inflicted by a memory that hangs around like an old boyfriend, leaving my life in disarray and my soul in shreds. No sir-y not for me. Not anymore. I killed off any and all feelings: The pain, the rage, the sadness, passion, joy. BANG! I shot down the mother ship of emotion and I blew up the escape pod so that I would never have to feel anything again.
It was easy really. I simply got up, took a shower, fed the cat and emptied the garbage. Then I sat on the sofa, picked up the remote, pushed the button and CLICK, I gave my feelings a dirt nap. I banished them from my brain forever. Buh bye. And unlike a physical suicide, there was no mess to clean up afterwards. No Kurt Cobain smoking gun. No empty prescription bottle drama. Not even so much as an emotional suicide note. Just me sharing a moment with Judge Judy, the sole witness to my demise.
I must say, this new state of numbness suits me just fine and so I have decided that this is where I shall remain, on the sofa of life, for the rest of my days, forever freed from the enormity of my loss.
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Tags: a life beyond belief, author, emotional suicide, ghostwriter, martha porter-fiszer, persona books
Just dont tell me Helen has offed herself…..
How long have you been blogging…your good at it.
OP: I could be slow (lord knows I have been told lol) but you made totally no sense…